Taking Stock

2007 has been one of the shortest year i ever had.

probably due to the hectic every day routine of work, work and more work, time passed very quickly.

nevertheless, i am glad i made time for val this year as i feel that it is something i owe her and i have been wanting to do it for a long time and i had told her i would dedicate 2006 for her but that year, my dad was sick and i didn't give her much time at all. i said i owe her because i for one had been such a hard nut to crack, it takes countless extension before i would even consider opening up for someone and she was there all the time since 1992/3 but i didn't give a chance. i didn't give anyone a chance or perhaps i had not given myself a chance. the thing about her is that she is not the kind that is "in your face" pushy person. pushy people pushes me away from them and i hate pushy people because my personal space is very important to me. this may sound egoistical but there is nothing wrong about not wanting to befriend just anybody who is nice to you. we are all made differently and i am just not an extrovert like many think i am.

so anyway, i must tell you one guilty thing i did to her. there was once one very very very long time ago when we were in pre-u. the year was 1993 i think. my gosh, i have to let go of this episode that i still remember. ok, it was one hot afternoon and as usual, every student made their way home after school. val and i sometimes take the same bus or so i think and i skipped along after boarding the bus and moved to the back, hoping that she didn't see me so that i don't have to make conversation. this is really not something you would do to someone who is fine and counts you as a friend. like i said, there is nothing wrong with her and she doesn't know about this episode but i remember this as one guilty episode in our friendship. i hope i can say i don't know what's the matter with me but i can't because i do know what's the matter with me. in my early life, i was in distress. emotional distress, and i didn't cope well with relationships because i kind of gave up on anything that remotely resembled love. like the time when i was ten, my uncle gave up two of his dogs- curly and honey, because he was getting married and his wife was afraid of dogs. we (my cousins & i) we lived under one roof and we were very attached to those dogs and the parting was like tearing our poor hearts out, shreadding. i guess in asian culture, the adults just do what they do and they kind of don't talk so much about the effects of their actions especially when it comes to emotional stuff. so anyway, no adults comforted us or briefed us about this kind of pain and it was damaging, at least for me because the pain still stings when i recall about it. so anyway, my cousins and i cried in silence separately and we never once talked about it or cried together. i remember very clearly that i told myself, if at the end of it, it is separation no matter what, then it should never have began. i tell you, i think i was psycho since five because i saw things in-depth, internalise my thoughts and formed my modus-operada on my own. there was kind of no "positive" guidance because i was a child caught in between the lives of many people who were just going through adolescece and young adult lives and they had their lives to bother about and i was stuck between their lives. so anyway, i was saying, i had told myself that if something (relationship) is not going to last for long, don't bother to start it. this means that when i made friends, i expected it to last, expected it to live to my expectations and i would hardly start one because i felt that all good things would come to an end somehow. so anyway, it took me another fifteen years before i finally do away with that negative notion and began to let people into my heart. you know, perhaps it was the pain of separation that has a nerve so deep and i was just being very protective of my broken heart. of course it was more that the dogs epsiode that gave me so much heartache but nevertheless, i am grateful for those learnings because i can now fully appreciate life. it does not have to last forever, i now know that even a slight concern or care for someone goes a long way and it does not have to be forever to live forever. i also realise that sometimes, some people are in your live at a certain stage for a number of years. some of our thoughts, views, hobbies, lifestyles, beliefs, change and we do not connect like before. and that's ok. that's ok. hence, i have learnt that if a certain person or friend is in my life at whatever stage of my life, i always treasure the "now" and make the best of it. because the only time that everyone has is literally now. like i always tell adeline, when fate changes, you will not get a minute more no matter how much you yearn. but as long as it lasts, make the best of it. with love.

so anyway, i have deviated from my topic.

i was gonna tell you, you know, every year end, bren and i do our "retreat". we used to book a local hotel, most of the time the Gallery Hotel, every year end since year 2001 after we took a workshop together that had a great impact on our lives. I took one aspect of the workshop and re-modeled it to suit our context and have used to take stock of our lives on a yearly basis. actually, last year, i further modeled it to a quarterly review programme but never got round to do it even till now.

i would draw a pie chart with eight slices - Body (physical & health), Mind (personal development, reading, intellect), Soul (spiritual growth), Family, Finance (money & investment), Career, Relationships (extended family & friends), Society (social contibutions). it is not a linear chart because all sectors are important and we should have them as balanced as possible. extereme excess or deficit in any sector is unhealthy. I would then grade myself on a scale of one to ten, how i think i have fared for the year. we would substaintiate with examples and present our case to each other. we would then exchange our score cards and grade each other honestly. then, we would review each other, saying where we did well and what we had neglected or where to buck up etc. lastly, we would plan for the new year ahead. set our goals, take special care on those areas that we had neglected the year before. we will then do a meditation and write down those things that are holding us back, fear, etc. or any problems we want to resolve. then we will burn that little piece of note as a symbolic gesture that it will be resolved. lastly again, we would take a symbolic "golden bath", a slow bath in the tub with candles all around the tub to create a golden glow and lights out. this is like divine glow that would dismiss negativity in us and empower us with strength and protection anew. we did this self-designed programme every year but i am not sure if we are still gonna do it this year. kind of lost a bit of steam after 6 years. but i still think that it is an excellent programme, especially for couples to do it together. you actually will discover more about each other, no matter how you think you know your partner. but please, do really be non-judgemental and do not critise your partner's goals or inspirations. it is important that you do not sway your partner's ideals to your fancy and stay true to the programme. because growth does not come with getting everything your way. i hope you know what i mean.

so, my dear friends. the year is coming to an end.

take stock and count your blessings.

love,

me.




after thought: i think i should make an effort to do our retreat because i just remembered what the tutor said. he says it is not enough to just want goodness, happiness, etc. these are vague and every one wants it generally.
he said that if we live our lives vaguely, we are merely existing.
merely existing on the surface of the earth. breathing and living but we are not living a meaningful life and will never know its magnificence.

Peacock Dress

For heaven's sake, i couldn't smile a nice smile.
i can never do it naturally in a controlled pose.
so please pardon me, i am only showing the dress.

As promised, here's the Peacock Dress.

I received many compliments with this.
The most exagerrating one would be my accountant colleague went up behind me to flip over the collar checking out the brand. other comments like I look slimer in this, or i have assets to fill up the front, etc, etc. well, i alternate between being the worst and best dresser sometimes and it is really not important to me. As long as it satisfies me, well, I'm just me!

Going To KL

bren's friend had invited us to KL for a party or parties as partying is their lifestyle. i have retired from the party scene but make an occassional cameo once in a blue moon.
if not for val, i probably wouldn't make the trip. anyway, it was really difficult to get the coach tickets so last minute and we were lucky we managed to secure 3 return tickets for the year end period. so i'll be counting down to 2008 in malaysia. val's BD is 1st jan. i wonder how it feels to have BD on 1st jan. does it make it any more special?

Tattoo

you know, some of my friends said that im "full of rubbish" when i show them something amusing. but they keep coming back for more. i think they only say that because they are amused but they dont do things that i do. you will know that you affect each other when your husband becomes more game like you. look at bren's arm. it is tattooed! haha. no la, it is a stocking that has tattoo prints and you could just wear it on your arm or leg. from far, it looks really like the real thing and we had a good laugh. especially on bren, cos he looks really fierce and ganster-like. haha. you know, i always feel so lucky that i get to do so called rubbish things. it is fun and funny. in this aspect, i remind myself of my father. my father was like this too. we sometimes would buy or make gadgets that just add some amusement in our lives for a chuckle or two. i remembered when i was little, we had a black-and-white TV. my father bought those coloured-transparant sheets and tapped it all around the screen. Voola! we had "coloured" TV before anyone else had. ha ha.

Mini remote car

saturday 8th december

hadijah, the malay massue was supposed to come today at 2pm. she called at 2 to inform that her van broke down while she was on the way here and that she is not coming afterall. i dont believe the event but i didnt press on. if she doesnt really wanna come, im alright with it. of course i was a little annoyed because i had prepared the room and made her tea with honey. but nevertheless, i was not angry. angry was last evening at the service centre at sony-ericsson. i had argued with the counter girl and we both raised our voices. understandabily, i was frustrated because it was the third time visiting that place and to collect my phone for the third time. it didnt help that there wasnt any return call from the centre manager despite requests to speak to one for the past 5 days. plus, ying shan, my 5-day-old new colleague who gave me a lift to orchard was telling me how she gave up on them after her phone was serviced eight times but they couldnt solve the problem on the phone muting itself automatically. she has just bought the phone for two weeks when it gave her the problem. despite this, her next mobile phone is still from the same brand. had i not liked my phone, i would have forget about getting it fixed. but i feel that this is really not the way to do business. if a brand oversells and could not deliver in terms of its quality and after-sales service, it is asking for trouble. my colleagues who are nokia loyal user would tell me tongue in cheekily -- i told you to stick to nokia. it is funny how my brain has to learn, unlearn and relearn when i switch between my old motorola and the sony-ericssion, for a while, i couldnt compose my smses correctly because they key functions are opposites and i keep getting it wrong. the first few times when i was using the old phone was quite terrible. i had to do it slowly. makes me think if my brain cells has gotten old and taking a longer time to adapt. hence i feel that learning new things and skills are really important. look at such a small matter as efficiency in smsing. sometimes, i use my left hand to do task i normally do with the right, so that i could just employ some of those brain cells that are hardly used and to re-wire them so that my mind could be more agile. oh i forgot to tell you what we were arguing about. the counter girl said she has to make a photo copy of my ic because i am collecting the phone on behalf of my husband (he had sent in the phone for me). i said you can copy but i am not collecting the phone on his behalf because this is my phone and he had sent in on my behalf. she raised her voice, pointed to the document and emphasised you see HIISSSS NAME? HEEEE sent in the phone, YOOOOU are collecting on behalf. in a manner she was supressing her anger for me being stupid. I said to her, bringing up the document that has the record of purchase. this IIIIIISSS MMMYYY phone. HEEEEE sent in FOOOOOR me. IIIIIII am collecting MMMMYYYY phone. my face must have been red or black. she said she will have to make a photocopy of the ic and i said whatever just give me the damn phone. i left the place fuming mad for a whole ten minutes but i felt that they must be having a hard time being front line and it was just a matter of technicality. i was just angry because in service line, YOU DONT ARGUE WITH THE CUSTOMER. it is not as if i didnt allow her to copy the ic, it was just that i have a problem with the technicality of it being me collecting my phone on the behalf of someone else which is bullshit. went for a good shashimi but really shouldnt have, because no food will taste good when i am upset. walked along for a while before some good old shopping took my mind off it. i tell you, i am learning to know myself every time. hardly anything will stir me being angry but if it happens, i would really reflect upon it and learn from the episode. that's what growth is about. you know learn and reflect what was done and what could be better next time. i walked on to tangs and bought a dress that might as well be a peacock costume. it is in the print of green feathers and those uniquely red patterned that can only be from a peacock. a proud one flanging his glorious tail. it is really a very nice dress and i pondered about buying for a whole 10 minutes. normally a decision is made in 30 to 60 seconds so you see, i was seriously considering it. anyway, i had bought it and i must show you myself in it when i have the chance. every year my family has a christmas party and the hilights is the gift exchange. this tradition started in 1988 and it beagan with only eight people. that was before my aunts and uncles became christians and this year alone, two more families became christians. you know, when you face with some critical life and death incident, sometimes the change is 360 degree. that is what happened to aunt elsie. she had some unexplainable illness and was in the hospital for about 2 months. one of the week she almost died while in ICU. she is recovering well now and has since denounced her taoisim and become a christian. good that her sister lily could help her with the transistion. i am a buddhist whom other buddhists will have a problem with. i feel that i am living a life that is ever-dynamic, ever-living, ever-alive and life itself is not limit to any parimeters. anyway, i shall not touch on religion here and there is no need to explain. ok so where was i, ya the gift exchange. it started some 19 years ago and we have it every single year. i have been the chairman to moderate the picking of names where you buy a gift for. so anyway, this year, brendan and i will have to buy for my cousin yang and sis's BF tim. both guys. i have no problem buying for guys, while some of my aunts would ask me to switch the names if they are buying for guys because they said they dont know what to get for them. so anyway, i stayed at the stationary department for sooooo long. if must have been a whole hour at the stationary and toy section at isetan. can you believe it, i bought myself another toy. i couldnt help it! it is this tiny remote car from TOMY. look at the picture. i must illustrate to you how small the car is, it fits into a soup spoon. one thing i respect is the japanese. they are practically good at anything they set out to achieve. so anyway, i bought both tim and ah yang a set of mini remote control cars. you know, if they are stressed with studies or work, this tiny little thing could just bring some amusement and entertainment. and so this is my idea.

Pomp Pomp

one saturday

First December. Saturday.

for my BD treat, pamela treated me to an accu-pressure massage at holland village and a session of foot reflexology at the palour she has a package with. $300 for 12 sessions package. works out to be $25 per session. walk-in rate is $30 to $40 i think. anyway. that massue- james is good. i have not seen him since 1998. that is like eleven years ago. it is not fair that Men age at a slower pace than women. they dont loose as much "jing hua"/essense as women i guess. he could not recognise me, said that i must have aged beyond recognition. as for him, he is still as dashing as before. in fact, he looks better beefed up now than before when he was skinnier. in the past 12 years, he had married his Thai girlfriend, had 2 daughters and returned to singapore to work after being back home in malaysia for 8 years. he said i should not procrastinate too much about having children, and that there will always be a way out in any bad situation and that life will take care of itself. i was grateful that he could crack my back. you know, my lower back was so tight some massues have problem cracking but not james. perhaps it is also because he is a man and has more strength and im sure good techniques come with experience.

After massage we hopped on bus #7 to orchard wisma to collect my sony ericsson phone that was serviced for draining battery. i am frustrated to share with you that the phone is still faulty and i am questioning if they take their work seriously. finally lodged a complaint this morning and i shall see what happens next. anyway, we had a fabulous japanese meal,, sashimi, roe rice and king fish. i must say that i love japanese food very much but they are expensive. anyway, we had a good time and proceeded to DFS for some shopping. or window shopping. i am quite hard-to-please when it comes to handbags because i like my hands to be free, hence my limited choices are cross-body sling bags and haversack. and they must be small cos i am short and will look shorter carring a huge bag. plus, i like to pack light. my friend adeline carries gold in her bag. it has her favourite books, organiser, wallet and many other stuff she is fancing at the time. i always tell her to lighten up but she is used to it. anyway, men generally dont carry bags. they just have their wallet and keys. do you think they are more detached than women? emotionally detached. i think so. women tend to think that they would need more. you know, the tissue paper, the organiser, the lip balm, lipstick, blotter, brochures, bills, travel size perfumes, books, stationery. anyway, i only like cross-body sling bags cos i want my hands to be free. also signifies that freedom to me is very important. i have ordered 2 sling pouches from coach where my friend works. one for my sis and i am sure she will like it. it is a boring brown but it is basic and goes with any outfit albeit casual. i really was tempted to buy the omega or tag heuer watch, you know, they were going at 20% discount! but i had to remind myself about instant gratification. refrain, refrain! refrain from instant gratification i said in my head. i wont be wearing it day in day out, so will it justify? i just thought i should wait a while. maybe i should give myself a target. if i saved a certain amount of money in my bank, i can then reward myself with it. that sounds better.

i noticed pam had quite a nice diamond pendant on. i queried about it and she told me she had it custom made at her regular jeweler. coming from someone who could ratter off about the various grade of diamond and its cuts, i have to trust her knowledge about diamonds cos i dont know nuts about them expect that that are nice. she lets on that it was a steal for the amount she paid for because the jeweler is a family jeweler and her family is a regular for the past 30 yrs. i was excited at the notion where i could design my own pieces and spent the whole sunday afternoon sketching a few designs. i must tell you, i am happy with them and will make one soon! pam promised to bring me to her jeweler upon her return from melbourne end of this month. i can hardly wait. told my sis that when she is preparing for her wedding, we could have some personal designs if she wants. great idea. look out for my updates in the next 2 months. i hope to show you my maiden piece.